The outsider

Not that I didn’t have anything to rail on or emotionally deprive but the world I’m looking at right now is in such chaos that I feel whatever happen to me is nothing the least to lament. Still, I’m optimistic about the future. How can I not? To be alive, typing this futile blog without knowing anyone will read. To see my mum making my breakfast daily without nagging that I should switch off the TV before I leave the house. Listening to Mariah Carey, All I want for Christmas is you, imagining that someday, someone I’m able to have that perfect imperfect relationship that lives up to my expectation. Physically well enough to complain that I’m fat and I shouldn’t eat too much where people in Africa or India are in great shortage of Food. Having my one of those “auntie” conversations and shopping with my chums sporadically.

To be honest, I’m truly blessed. We all are. Suffice to say, we’ll never be satisfied. Enough is never enough. The most important thing is not to obsess about complaining what you’ve been missing but to appreciate what you already have.

Be an outsider and look at yourself and you will realize how fortunate you can be! The truth is you are not missing out anything...

A few good friends to count on

It seems like every year, I will meet up with my beloved NAFA chums, Kerchin, Shuhui and Kaili to exchange our long overdue birthday and X’mas present. It’s been nearly a year since we catch up with each other. Friends are like wine, when it’s old. Even though you don’t get in touch with them often, occasionally when you drink it, it’s pleasurable. An enjoyment I’m totally ecstatic about when we get together. We will never run out of topics to chat.

KerChin try a new hair-do, Shuihui change her hair colour and as for Kaili, she loses a lot of weight and got herself a nice hair cut. A big improvement I must say…Learning how to pronounce bohemian in Mandarin from Shuhui, hunting an ideal wallet for KerChin as the 3 of us know that “You can’t change your wallet often as it will change your luck”, realizing that all the occurrence I’ve experienced this year is nothing compared to Kaili and she has finally make a first big step of her life to change for the better future.

As for the gifts, I received an E-sprit black leather sling bag from KerChin, A black colour blackboard mug that allows be to scribble my mood with a chalk and last but not least a Philips shaver from Kaili. It certainly feels like Christmas again.

It’s such a coincident that later I bumped into my NAFA buddy, GUAN and his girlfriend in ZARA. I absolutely love this kind of uncontrived and spontaneous moment. He suggests we go KTV because it’s been ages since we last sang together. Overall, It’s been such a blast. A perfect occasion to start a new year. As for the rest of my chums, Happy 2007!

Dearest Mummy

Eve of Christmas, a day where everyone thoughts are the last minute never ending X'mas shopping, on what to wear and food catering. Yes you need lots of gastronomic delights on your dinning table to last through the night. Fortunately, this year I'm emancipated with my decision not to participate till to the reason Christmas once to me was celebrated with only my 2 chums (I'm not a Christian) and it seems that they are no longer the reason why I'm celebrating Christmas this year. Nonetheless, it's still a day of love and thanks giving.

This year has been a tumultuous year, Unlike other years, I've face more obstacles and difficulties than before except the NS period. The failure of setting up my own publication, the copyright infringement law suit, the betrayal of a good old friend, the financial crisis, Somehow, I manage to keep all this to myself. There are moments I feel like giving up and end my unworthy and odious life. Since it's so unworthy and no one would care and why should I care, I firmly believe that it will be the most stupid thing I'll ever do. Stupider than stupid. Thinking about it is stupid enough..what's more you can't please everyone. On the other hand, the truth is not as noble as you think. The fact is I simply can't give up not seeing my mother's face everyday. I live for her.

I’ve truly believe, probably because of my mother’s assurances, that I could accomplish anything that I want. I can be who I want to be, without any questioning and doubt. The kind of liberation she gave me propel me to move on and face the unknown fearlessly. Since then, I’ve this principle that I hold for my life. The moment I stepped out of my house, my role is to make my mother proud, wherever and whenever I go. It’s not about this big fat huge ego so you will get complimented; it’s about how much you love your mum. My mum single-handed supported me, the best I can do is not to shame her.

It's inexplicable and indescribable for the love I have for my mum, the only way I can do it on this eve of Christmas day is to say Thank you and I love you much...

My Grown up Christmas List

I know I won't be celebrating Christmas this year but I still have something I want Santa Claus to know. I don't wish for myself but for a world in need...


Dear Santa Claus,

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
Well I'm all grown up now
Can you still help somehow?
I'm not a child but my heart still can dream

So here's my life long wish
My grown up Christmas List
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

May kindness rules our lives
Not just the strong survive
Sweet tears for all the thousand years on mind
This is the world I pray
We will all share some way
Help me begin by reaching out my hand

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

This is the prayer that I will keep
This is my grown up Christmas list...

My extraordinary ordinary running shoe

Somebody once told me I own a pair of most hideous and ugly running shoes. It’s a new balance 322 normally given to recruits in Singapore Police Force for training purposes. What draws me to this unappealing New Balance running shoe obviously is not its look but its ability to perform.

During this past 4 years, I’ve been jogging with this unflattering and ordinary new balance shoe. One rainy day, while I was jogging around my neighborhood, I discover that the black plastic base of the shoe had tear off. I feel an immediate sorrow for the shoe that I couldn’t care less. It’s inexplicable. It’s unprepared. I actually feel something for the running shoe. I know it’s not because I’ve to spend another $20 - $30 for a pair of running shoe (yes, I’m that cheap…) but because of this shoe I’ve developed a passion. A passion for jogging. A passion which started for just losing weight till in the recent years has become my stress release.

Whenever I’m down or low, I’ll turn to my running shoe and start jogging.
Without this shoe, every jogging session will not be the same. I couldn’t bear to throw it away. I feel like I own an apology to the running shoe that I’ve taken it for granted. I understand that everything serves a wonderful purpose and the only way to find out is to move on and discover. I know sometimes life plays trick on me, throw situation that I’m not prepared for but if I learn to detach myself will I consider callous or heartless? If I forsake the shoe, will I consider as vile and devious? Nothing happens by accident, everything happens for a reason. I’ve to let go at some point and move on to discover the wonderful purpose behind this whole incident…

After procrastinating for a few months, I’ve finally decided to get myself a new pair of running shoes. I might have bought a new pair of running shoe but nothing can change the fact that this ordinary running shoe has made an extraordinary impact on me…

Friendship

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

My weekends had been fabulous and more than what I had expected. The primary reason is because of the company I had. I appreciate and cherish friendship a lot especially Jeannie, a chum of mine whom I’ve known for 11 years. Ever since then we have this YTSS alliance of Jeannie(Genie), Meiling (4D auntie) and me(Ah Bu), of course they used to be more in our “hood” but friends come and go so the only survivors that I left is this remaining incredible supportive and caring friends.

We met on Friday night for dinner in Bugis to pre celebrates Jeannie’s birthday and the first after 11 years of friendship, X’mas gift exchanging. Since it’s only three of us, the chance of three of us picking up the different names is challenging. We finally did it in the fifth round, I receive Jeannie’s Gift, Jeannie receives Meiling’s gift and Meiling receives my gift. For me, instead of getting one gift for one person, I bought two. They are dearest to me and I don’t want to leave anyone out.

I got a Santa Clause beanie and a creatively designed mug which is perfect for me to utilize it in my office. Both Jeannie and Meiling receive my aromatherapy spa set. It’s pink in colour so they must be pretty satisfied. After an exhausting of photo taking and a series of hilarious repartee, we all went home with a big grin in our face.

I switch on the TV and to my horror, it’s the Korea scariest movie Ju-On 2. I’m so intrigue to watch yet so timid to open my eyes. I decided to switch it off after the 3rd scare within the 30 minutes of the movie. I figure that it’s late at night and I don’t really want any man knocking my door and shut my mouth up.

Saturday, I met Mary to collect her wedding photos. Initially, I wanted to design her photo album. However, after much calculation it’s more expensive to print the album on our own so she decided to ask for her hubby consent before making any decision. Her wedding is on the 15th of January and I was asked to be the host of the event. This is the second time I’m hosting such event. The difference is I’m doing it for a chum I’ve known for 10 years. Unlike previously, I was persuaded to do it. I just need to think about “What should I wear?” : ) After saying goodbye to Mary in Raffles City, I went to Orchard for my last minute Christmas shopping. I bought a long sleeved shirt for Chon Fai, my Coca Cola colleague, a set of Christmas cards from Watson and a book, The devil and Miss Prym from Paulo Coelho from Borders for myself.

As for Today, I’m meeting my chums again in Bishan, Junction 8 except this time to catch up with one of our long lost friend R whom had just recovered from depression. She has led quite a tough life after her parent divorced. The period when she was admitted to the mental ward is such a terrifying moment for me. I wish I could have done more to help. Sometimes, it’s easier to say than done. Nonetheless, my friendship for her never dies. Anytime she needs a friend, I’ll always be there. I hope she has found a whole new meaning in life…

P/S: I dedicate this blog to R. May god be with her and our support for her will keep her flourishing

My Solitary life

Finally, I’ve got my Christmas shopping done. Not an extravagant one as I’ve lost the significance of celebrating Christmas this year. In the past, Christmas is a day where my chums and I get together and have great laughs. Not to forget, it’s also an important day for my chum, Jeannie because she is born in this glorious day, 25th of December.

For me, this year will be a year of spending less money (on gifts and party) and eating less (of high Carbo & fattening gastronomic festive delicacies). I’ve officially decided to call off this festival. I’m planning to travel or a movie marathon in my cozy bedroom. There won’t be any chestnut roasting over the fireplace cause I don’t have one anyway or Mariah Carey singing “All I want for Christmas is you” as I’m “very” single. There is only me and Julia Roberts’s movies. I’m not lamenting that single hood is bad.

Most of the time, people deems being single is lonely.

For me, the difference between solitude and loneliness is that solitude is something you WANT and feel comfortable with, a peaceful, relaxing and inspirational space, and loneliness is an UNWANTED experience of being on your own.

I believe one of the greatest fears we have is the fear of loneliness, especially the loneliness that we feel when we are without a lover.

This fear traps many of us into unfulfilling or destructive relationships, or leads us into pursuing the wrong person just to AVOID being on our own. When The Hermit appears in your life, it may represent the loneliness you feel at the time. And remember, it is possible to feel more isolated and lonely in an unhappy relationship than when you are actually on your own!

I’m happy with where I am right now.

I’ll take my time and chill out, rather than making any hasty or impetuous decisions, THINK about the issues in my life carefully and from a more open-minded perspective and with a more positive attitude’

Ultimately, Christmas to me is a holiday for me to get away from my job and have fun. I’m having fun in my own ways and living in my solitary life so who dare say that being single is miserable…

Curiosity kills the cat

This morning, our house was on the hunt. The location is in my parent’s bedroom. Recently, our house comes an uninvited guest. Fortunately or unfortunately, It’s not a human nor ghost. It’s a cat. A stray cat who seems to particularly likes to climb through our house window and run hiding in our house. Just when we thought that the cat had left us for good, my mum was harassed in the middle of her sleep by the cat’s irksome moan. This has make the whole family hunt for it but to no avail the cat was not found. We gave up and went back to bed as all of us has to work the next day. Till this morning, we simply can’t ignore it anymore that our curiosity of where the cat is hiding really makes us want to kill the cat. Thus, we begin to move the furniture one by one to search for its existence. There under the one of my mum’s wardrobe drawer where she keeps her size 36C cup bra. We found the sneaky cat, white and grey in color. It feels like such a triumph that we almost want to open up a can of tuna and eat it in front of the cat. Sad to say we don’t stock up can food especially tuna.

My dad begins to scare the cat with a hair dryer. It seems like the plan work because it makes the cat jumping and hopping out of our living room’s window. I’ve always dislike cat. To an extent that Hello Kitty, Doraemon and Sylvester in my opinion should be executed in this world. Okay, that sentence might be put me into trouble with SPCA. Let me put it this way, I love dogs. I’m all in favor of dogs. I feel like there is a sense of loyalty I have towards the dog and the reason why I dislike cat is because of dogs. For all cat lovers, No offence. Please kindly train your cat or start adopting stray cats so they won’t start climbing and hopping into my house cause there is no fish, tuna or free lodging in my house except my mum’s 36C bra…

Why do all good things come to an end?

Previously, I’ve mentioned in my blog that I’m going to share with you what I’ve read from the novel, Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho.

This is what I’ve unravel;

Remember all the days you’ve been living have all been a test, a test that challenges you to find the deeper meaning in life. There is always the unavoidable, the pain and the suffering. They exist because the Good has always disguised as evil but it goes on being the good, and its part of the plan of life…

Light a candle...

Today, 40 million people are estimated to be living with AIDS. 2.5 million are children under the age of 15.

All of us have the power to make this world a better place.

Bristol Meyes Squibb is donating a dollar for person to go to their website and "lights a candle." I urge everyone to do it now and make this world a less suffering place to live in.

Making time is all we need...

Time goes by not so happy...

According to a recent study, Americans have a third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago — a sign that people may be living lonelier, more isolated lives than in the past.

In 1985, the average American had three people in whom to confide matters that were important to them, says a study in today's American Sociological Review. In 2004, that number dropped to two, and one in four had no close confidants at all.

In the role as a single for as long as I know care bears have super power. (Don’t underestimate the rainbow care bear) This doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m a perfectly good example of building an invisible wall for anyone to cross over. In life we always need to have a few close relationships as a safety net, but the truth is in these modern times we are living in, people are impatient of listening to someone’s disgruntlement. People are so interested in themselves, that as soon as you open your mouth, you are getting "What they would do," or "You should have done this or that." They are not a good listener at all and sometimes all you need is someone to listen. It’s hard to find someone who have the patient and understand you as an individual.

As the technology continue to advance, people have more entertainment tools such as TV, iPods and computers, it seems easier to relate your problems with strangers online than confiding to your loved ones that we failed to realize that what we need is to develop more inter-personal relationship with our loved ones…

My Zodiac Sign

Who keeps an arrow in his bow, And if you prod him, lets it go? A fervent friend, a subtle foe –— Scorpio

I'm always intrigued with my zodiac sign. Call me superstitious, but I truly believe in the astronomy galaxy that works in a miraculous way of how you are born. So here is something I've come across in my junk mail. If you like to know more about Scorpio, analyze this!

>SCORPIO MAN > > >A man with a foggy clouds over him. He is sensitive and easily hurt and >always feels lonely. He does not trust anyone but himself. Sounding so >negative, but he has an amazingly charisma. He is a compassionate man . He >absorbs other people sentimental feeling and pain. > >He is a good psychiatrist and he could understand complex and confused >feeling. He has a hidden power that he could use it to make things happen >and do things well. He does not like people who never try to help themselves >before asking other people for favors. He is the type of guy who mostly >achieved his goal in life.Once he sets his mind for something, he will put >all his energy and efforts in it , whether or not it is a small matter or a >big project. One of the most success man in all the Zodiac. > >He is a very patient man and can waits for years to reach his goal. He hates >thin feeling and weak determinations. He can not retreat or rest for long, >for he thinks life has more questions and more answer to be searched. > >If he is in love, you will get plenty of love from him, sometimes may be too >much than you have asked for. He is serious about love and relationship and >will not waste time with someone he does not love whether how pretty she is. > >He hardly makes mistake. He could tell if you have any bad thought, and will >not hesitate to tell you so. If you do not like straight forward sincere >man, then pack your bag now. If you are an over sensitive person, try not to >ask for his comments. He will tell you the truth, even you might not be able >to take it. Example , if you ask him if you are fat (and you are fat), he >will say "yes, as big as a balloon". He makes such comments because he cares >for you, so do something about your weight and do not get up set with him. > >If he says "you look pretty today", you can be proud because he will not say >such think just to please you if he does not really mean it. There will be >both kind of people, those who like him and those who hate him. If you are >in love this guy, be strong and belief in your decision, do not be >vulnerable. He remembers all his anger and will wait for his pay back time. > >He is very serious about your promise, do not promise something you could >not keep. He loves his friends and will do anything for his close friends. >He likes you to take care of him, but not in front of his friend. He is a >complex man and you will never understand what he means if you do not really >know him. He is happy to know he is a complex figure. When he is thinking or >when he needs his privacy, you should give him some space. > >He memorize everything well. You may say something that you already >forgotten, but he will remember every words. He wants to be respected and >admired and at the same time he does not like people to have power over him. > >When he falls in love, he really falls deep. A man in this Zodiac once in >love, he will be sweeter than sugar. He does not like a plain and simple >woman. A complex woman's mind is his venture. Always be interesting and able >to talk to him about every things in any subjects. He does not like a woman >who sits around waiting for his call.

Sun-day

Sunday is my favorite day of the week as I told you I love my job thus I rarely have Monday blues. It’s the day where I unwind myself with a book or visiting library for new discoveries. Either magazine, friction or non-friction books, all of it delights me. I’m voracious for knowledge. From Ian Stevenson; reincarnation case study, Joestin Garner; Sophie’s world to Marie Claire UK, as long as it intrigues me, I will spend my good old Sunday letting my imagination runs wild.

As for today, I met Mary, my chum for her wedding gown fitting. I’m excited as the gown is especially designed by me. She is petite and a little on the plus size, so I’ve designed an off-shoulder strap ivory white gown to cover her less than flattering arms and low V neckline showcasing her big blossom. A touch of champagne lace as the trimming to make the gown more exquisite. Everything turns out to be perfect. Her photo shoot will be on this coming Wednesday. I’ll be working on that day; so I might not be there for her photo shoot. Let’s see if I could get a day off for she desperately needs my art direction. Who can be the perfect candidate as Beauty and Glamour is all in my blood… : )

Can't let go...

Today, I’m mourning on 2 things. One is the season finale of QAF and the other is the lost of a 15 year old friendship. As much as others see me as someone jovial, decisive and strong-minded, I do hold a penchant for holding back and not letting go.

I remember the first walkman that I purchased after receiving my first salary ($632 minus the CPF contribution, I know it feels like such a rip off after the deduction!) working as a pharmacy assistant in Guardian. I’m elated and proud of my newly bought AIWA walkman. Not until someone stole my walkman from the backstage I was performing during teacher’s day 1996. That’s where I’ve realized having attachment to people and things is too much for me to handle. It’s not about losing the walkman. It’s losing the affection that even if I bought another walkman, the feeling of using it will be different. Perhaps I could buy another identical walkman but what can I buy to substitute another friendship. I’ve heard about changes, people change and environment changes. However what I can’t tolerate is my friend misjudge me, misunderstood me, and having a certain personal expectation on me especially when he trash it out on a long list of paper and quote on my blog and interpret it on his behalf. I felt a sense of betrayal and hurt when obviously nobody knows me thus why judge. To extend this matter worse, another chum who knows him begin to start having an opinion that I’m harsh and not magnanimous. When someone chooses not to forgive, it doesn’t mean he is in the wrong. Maybe he is still hurt and not able to forgive yet. What’s more, he should seriously look deep into the matter and unravel first before he starts to judge and defend the other party.

Should I say my friend changes or I’ve evolved? I guess both play a part for the differences. What I do know is that I certainly haven’t let go and forgive…

I’m easy to get along when you don’t know me.
I’m not easy to get along when you know me.

Camel Toe

My colleague, WeiLun asked me " Do you know what is camel toe?", I replied, "No idea". Thus, He suggested checking online under Yahoo search, image tab. As the page starts loading, I'm a little disgusted as that is not something I would like to look "deep" into. However, I'm not going to tell you what that is. You just have to do the same thing like I do. Go online and search.

Other than that, it’s a same old day. Woke up at 5.30am, catching my company bus, having the same $1.85 lunch, reading the novel, The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho. I'll share it with you once I've finished as all his books are extremely philosophical. I always try to find different sources to stimulate my brain. I better wake up and do something with my life now...

Searching for a whole new meaning...

Feeling lethargic after watching ANTM, actually to be truthful, I'm lost and confused. Apparently, watching ANTM doesn’t help me to relax a bit as the competition took place in my favorite city, Bangkok, Thailand. I reminisce the days I was in Bangkok, amazingly emancipated and all inspiring by the surroundings. After coming back from my Bangkok trip, I haven't fully recovered from my jetlag. You see, I've always experience a kind of emptiness after traveling from one place. I question my purpose in this world and worst what I have done with my life. Looking for motivation and a new direction, I begin to seek my enlightenment from Madonna latest single, Jump. In her lyrics, she mentioned:

I’m not afraid what I’ll face, but I’m afraid to stay
Going down my own road and I can make it alone
I'll work it and fight it and find a place of my own

Currently, I'm contemplating whether to quit my job in Coca-Cola and go to the next. As Madonna sings "There’s only so much you can learn in one place, The more that I wait, the more time that I waste" No matter what happen, I have to keep moving on and don't stop. I have already reached this far, I've worked in Brunei for nearly a year; I've experienced a law suit and failure. I've suffered the abuse and delay for two years in my National Service. There is really nothing I can't endure. I just need a new direction and reinvent myself for this coming 2007…

I deserve to be Happy!

Till to some unfortunate misunderstandings and encouragement from my chum, Jeannie, I decided to pick up my keyboard and type again. To start off my first blog, I decided to post myself a question: What makes me happy?

Here’s just a sampling of my happy list: loving what I do for a living (Although not at all times but I still love designing), going for a run all plugged in to my mp3 player (full of Madonna’s dance tracks), Oranges (the zest from my hand peeled oranges revitalize me), Watching anything related to Julia Roberts from movie to interview (my ultimate favorite will be Pretty Woman, My Best Friend’s Wedding and Erin Brockovich), hearing my mother laughing out loud watching her TV (we both share the same unrestraint and rambunctious way of laughing out loud) The list could go on and on, and I feel blessed to be able to say that.

We think about happiness and how to be happy a lot and maybe not at all times as survey have shown that man think about SEX 91% all the times. However, instead of looking at the small little actions that we carry out, I decided to give it a closer look, trying to examine what lies behind the happy things that we do. The essence of Happiness, to understand what it is that makes us feel content on a basic psychological level. Turns out happiness doesn’t come from any single trait or success but rather a collection of qualities and life experiences. “Real happiness comes from inside. Meaning that if you want enduring satisfaction, you have to maintain a mind set that allows you to always look for small miracle” reveals Dan Baker, Ph.D., coauthor of What Happy People Know.

Happiness is not measured by smile; it’s a state of mind. You don’t have to be perpetually chippering to be happy. What you need is optimism, altruism, be easily contented, a purpose in your life, stay grateful and self-depreciating humor will get you a long way. Forget about dieting or breast implant, if you’re not happy with yourself, you’ll never be happy.

My name is Kyle, I deserve to be happy and so do you.

P/S: I delicate this blog to my beloved chum, Jeannie. Wishing her all the happiness in the world.