Stepping Out: A Journey Beyond Solitude

For months, my world has been small—a quiet sanctuary of healing, introspection, and the slow, measured recovery from my operation. Tube feeding through a PEG has been my only means of nourishment, a stark reminder that my body now moves through the world differently. Eating, once a simple act of connection, has become an impossibility, each attempt leading to food slipping into my lungs. Yet, what I have lost in physical ability, I have gained in clarity. My voice, my truth, and my presence remain unshaken.

Last night is my first step back into the world. A test. A threshold. I have agreed to meet my queer Buddhist friends for a night out, to watch All Shall Be Well (從今以後) — a film about a lesbian couple in Hong Kong and the challenges that arise when legal protections fail the surviving partner. The story speaks to impermanence, to the precarity of love and life, themes that resonate deeply in my own journey. Little do I know, this night is not just about watching a movie; it is about stepping back into the public eye, into community, into the uncharted territory of being seen again.

I wonder if I will have the energy to keep up. Everyone reassures me, telling me I look good, that I carry myself well, but I fear the undertow of pity — the subtle shift in expression when they remember I no longer eat like them. I have resolved to be as open and honest about my condition as possible, not out of obligation but as a means of dissolving awkwardness before it can settle. If I own my truth, perhaps no one else will feel the need to tiptoe around it.

Yet, beyond this night, another journey looms. My trip to Kathmandu, Nepal this Sunday — a journey I planned before life changes my "plan" for a good way. This outing is more than just a movie night; it is a testing ground for what lies ahead. If I can navigate this evening, if I can reclaim a sense of presence amid the shifting tides of my reality, then perhaps I can step into the role I have been called to play.

The conference I am attending is necessary. As a queer Buddhist representing a marginalized community in Asia, I carry the weight of visibility. I am not just showing up for myself — I am showing up for all those who need to see that we exist, that we are building something inclusive, that Buddhist psychology has a place in the mainstream. This is not just about personal resilience; it is about collective transformation. And in that space, I hope to find the momentum to launch my book, Carry Yourself Kindly Through Everyday — a testament to the practice of self-compassion and the daily rituals of inner strength.

This is my Defying Gravity, Part 2 — a continuation of the defiance I embraced on my pilgrimage to India, where I refused to let my body’s limitations dictate the course of my journey. Read here.

That act was not just rebellion; it was a declaration that my spirit is boundless. And now, as I step forward once more, I feel more alive than I have in months of solitary recovery. Those quiet days of healing were necessary, but they were never meant to be the full story. Life is calling me forward, not with a whisper, but with an undeniable force—a reminder that I still have purpose, presence, and movement left to claim.

In Buddhist practice, we often speak of The Four Immeasurables: Loving-kindness, Compassion, Empathetic Joy, and Equanimity. These teachings have carried me through, transforming suffering into wisdom, limitation into boundless expression. My body may falter, but the essence of my truth — the voice of my practice—remains steadfast.

This trip to Nepal, this step taken to attend the conference forward, is not just an act of defiance. It is an act of devotion. To life, to truth, to the immeasurable strength that lies within us all. And for that, I am deeply grateful to my three queer Buddhist friends who invited me to the movie, knowing full well that I might not say yes.

Their quiet faith in me, their unwavering presence, is a testament to the power of true companionship and the kindness that carries us forward. It is an act of devotion. To life, to truth, to the immeasurable strength that lies within us all.