The Endless Search: From Google to the Path of Liberation

After my PEG operation, searching has taken on a different meaning. The relentless pursuit of answers, the endless queries typed into Google, the chase for problems to be answered whether it is medical or out of curiosity — all of it now feels obsolete. What once seemed urgent — seeking pleasure to watch the next video, success on how to make it as an entrepreneur, and identity of my queer self — now appears unimportant. My body has undergone change, and with it, my mind has started to shift. The only search that remains now is the search for liberation.

The Buddha, in the Paṭhamaesanāsutta, speaks of three kinds of search: the search for sensual gratification, the search for being, and the search for a holy life. I now see, with greater clarity than ever before, that only one of these searches truly matters.

1. The Search for Sensual Gratification: Chasing Fleeting Pleasures

Before my operation, I was caught up in this search, like everyone else—finding joy in food, entertainment, and distractions that numbed the deeper questions. But illness has a way of stripping illusions away. The things I once indulged in no longer hold the same allure. The search for pleasure is insatiable, and I have come to realize that it will never provide lasting peace.

Buddha taught that this kind of search is like drinking saltwater—it never quenches our thirst but instead makes us want more. Now, with a body that reminds me daily of impermanence, I see how fruitless this chase truly is.

I can't help but to wonder: Instead of chasing temporary highs, can I find joy in the simplicity of the present moment? Can I savor what I already have instead of always seeking more?

2. The Search for Being: The Illusion of a Fixed Self

The second search, the search for being, has also begun to lose its grip on me. I once sought identity in accomplishments, in labels, in who I thought I was supposed to be. But after the operation, I have had to let go of so many aspects of the self I once clung to. The body changes. The mind shifts. Who we are is not fixed, and grasping onto a rigid sense of self only creates suffering.

The Buddha teaches that the self is like a flowing river, ever-changing, never the same from one moment to the next. Holding onto who I was before my operation only brings pain. Letting go, on the other hand, brings freedom.

I can't help but wonder: Can I release the need to define myself? Can I surrender to the impermanence of all things and find peace in simply being?

3. The Search for a Holy Life: The Only Search That Matters

Now, the only search that remains is the search for liberation. The more I reflect, the more I see that this was always the only search worth pursuing. I no longer have the luxury of delaying this path. The body is fragile, life is fleeting, and the window to practice is shrinking with each passing day.

This search is not about finding something outside of myself. It is about turning inward. I mean I have contemplated being ordained as a monk, but with my newly acquired physical condition, it could be challenging. Unfortunately, being part of a sangha emphasizes community, and my inability to "eat normally" may create obstacles. I realise it is about walking the path to Nibbāna, regardless if I wear a robe or not, wearing it with urgency, knowing that time is not on my side.

I can't help but wonder: How can I deepen my practice? How can I let go of distractions and fully dedicate myself to the path of liberation?

The Urgency to Escape Samsara

I feel it now, more than ever—the desperate need to be free from this cycle of birth and death. Samsara is relentless, an endless loop of suffering and attachment. I do not want to come back, to repeat these struggles, to be caught in this wheel again. The time is now. The search for liberation cannot wait.

The Buddha’s teaching offers a profound insight: true peace comes not from endless searching, but from knowing when to stop. A mind free from longing, from chasing desires and identities, is a mind at peace. And with that peace comes the ultimate goal—freedom from Samsara itself.

May I walk this path with unwavering determination. May I find the way out before it is too late.