Cake, Karma, and Contemplation: The True Meaning of Birthdays for a Queer Buddhist like Me
This November, I’ve turned 44, and I find myself reflecting deeply on what I truly desire from life on my birthday. For those who know about my current health situation, wishing for good health may seem like the most natural desire. However, I've come to realize that there is so much more to consider.
1. Wishing for good health can lead to false hope.
2. It contradicts the Buddha’s teaching that life is subject to old age, sickness, and death.
3. It still ties me to the notion that only positive outcomes should come my way while rejecting the negative.
I know this may sound convoluted, so please allow me to clarify.
The first time we cry is on the day we enter this world. My mother carried me for 11 to 12 months before I made my grand entrance into life in Singapore, illustrating my stubborn character. I know what you're thinking—how is that possible? But in my mother's time, there were no cesarean sections.
Upon birth, if you’re fortunate, your first cry is loud, bringing joy to those around you. For others, however, it may signal an end. This contrast can feel profoundly unfair, highlighting that entering the world doesn't always equate to happiness—after all, we were once comfortably cradled in our mother’s womb.
This leads me to a key insight about life: crying into the world is an inherent part of existence. I treasure the term "first cry" so much that I chose to use it instead of "birthday" when writing my introduction in a school book for my secondary school friends, where we shared our thoughts about one another.
When life throws us a lemon, we often attribute it to our karma, specifically bad karma. But have we ever stopped to consider where this bad karma originates? Upon deeper reflection, we realize that bad karma stems from our past actions, and the suffering we face now is a direct consequence of those actions. As much as we might seek someone to blame, the truth is that we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Many of us perceive bad karma as a punishment, yet everyone carries both good and bad karma. It's important to understand that bad karma isn't about punishment; it's simply part of the shared human experience.
After living in this world for just over 44 years, I have often felt despondent when confronted with hardships. Many times, I’ve questioned how much more I must practice to awaken from my suffering. Those who have followed my writings in HOL are aware that I have shared many unfortunate events from my life.
That being said, everyone faces challenges, and suffering is not limited to any specific group. Whether rich or wise, no one can evade difficulties. Think of Steve Jobs, who battled cancer as a billionaire, or revered Buddhist teachers like Ajahn Chah and Thich Nhat Hanh, who were bedridden during the last decade of their lives. How could I, a simple queer Buddhist, naively believe that I am immune to my karma?
In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha identifies three kinds of suffering, known as **Dukkha**, each representing a different aspect of the human experience.
1. **Suffering of Suffering** (Dukkha-dukkhata) - This encompasses the obvious forms of suffering, such as physical pain, emotional distress, and the aches of life’s challenges.
2. **Suffering of Change** (Viparinama-dukkha) - This refers to the transient nature of pleasure and happiness. What brings joy is impermanent; thus, when we inevitably face loss, change, or disappointment, we encounter suffering.
3. **All-Pervasive Suffering** (Sankhara-dukkha) - This is the underlying dissatisfaction that exists in our very being, often arising from our attachment to the notion of a permanent self amidst a world of constant change.
*https://www.rigpawiki.org/index.php?title=Three_types_of_suffering
When we are born into this world, it is inevitable that we will encounter these 3 forms of suffering. Our existence is intertwined with impermanence and uncertainty; no one is exempt from experiencing hardships, changes, and the fundamental truth of existence – that all things are transient.
In light of this understanding, our birthdays take on a profound significance. Instead of merely celebrating the passing of another year, birthdays can serve as a poignant reminder to reflect upon our lives, our experiences, and the lessons learned through both joy and suffering. It’s a moment to acknowledge the entirety of our journey, embracing all aspects of our existence.
Moreover, our experiences—whether positive or negative—are deeply linked to our karma, which encompasses both our actions and their consequences. Good deeds can lead to pleasant results, while harmful actions may yield suffering. Each birthday can then be seen as an opportunity not just for celebration but also for introspection, recognizing how our past choices shape our present reality.
In this way, birthdays become not just personal milestones but moments of deep reflection on life’s inherent struggles, the lessons they impart, and the acceptance of the path laid before us by our own karma. By cultivating awareness and understanding, we can navigate the complexities of life's sufferings with compassion toward ourselves and others, transforming the celebration into an opportunity for growth and renewal.
I’ve often heard well-meaning Buddhists say that my suffering is merely a way to pay back bad karma, suggesting it’s a process of cleansing or detoxifying through illness. However, the truth is we cannot escape the consequences of our actions. If we frame bad karma as a form of punishment, we must also recognize it as the ultimate consequence of past deeds. So, am I truly punishing myself due to ignorance or foolishness?
The Four Noble Truths clearly state that all beings, upon birth, are subject to suffering. So why do we cling to the belief that we can avoid our bad karma? The teachings of the Buddha guide us to transcend the duality of good and bad karma. Our practice of Dharma, meditation, and discussions aim to lead us beyond these binary concepts.
Let’s take a moment to reflect on equanimity (upekkhā) as represented in the Four Immeasurables. Why is equanimity immeasurable, and why should we cultivate them?
By developing equanimity, we learn to approach experiences — both positive and negative — with an open mind and heart, allowing us to navigate the complexities of human existence with grace and wisdom.
At its core, equanimity encourages us to reduce judgment and bias, fostering a deeper understanding of others as equals in the shared human experience. When we view beings and situations through the lens of equanimity, we begin to transcend our personal preferences, prejudices, and assumptions. This shift in perspective allows us to recognize that everyone encounters suffering, joy, pain, and pleasure. Realizing that our experiences are not unique but part of a universal tapestry alleviates feelings of isolation and creates a sense of connection.
This balanced mindset nurtures a calm disposition, helping us respond rather than react to life's challenges. In moments of anger or frustration, equanimity equips us with the ability to pause and reflect, allowing space for compassion and understanding instead of immediate judgment. When we encounter differing opinions or behaviors, equanimity reminds us that all perspectives arise from individual histories and contexts. Rather than becoming embroiled in conflict, we can extend kindness and empathy to ourselves and others.
Embracing equanimity also mitigates the suffering that arises from attachment and aversion. When we cling too tightly to what we desire or resist what we don’t, we inevitably invite turmoil into our lives. However, by cultivating a mind grounded in equanimity, we accept the impermanent nature of our circumstances. This acceptance enables us to experience joy fully, while also letting go of stress or anxiety during hardships.
Furthermore, equanimity fosters resilience. When faced with unpredictable changes or emotional upheaval, those who practice equanimity maintain internal stability. They do not allow external conditions to dictate their peace of mind, and this solid foundation allows them to face adversity with courage and ease.
The practice of equanimity truly holds the key to reducing suffering and attaining lasting peace within ourselves. By seeing things and people with an open mind, we dissolve the barriers of judgment and bias, cultivate acceptance, and foster connection. In embracing equanimity, we embark on a journey toward inner calm, empowering us to engage with the world more peacefully and harmoniously, regardless of the circumstances we encounter.
*https://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/bs-s15/
So, I’ve decided to liberate myself from the notion that suffering is inherently bad or that it serves as punishment. Instead, I see it as part of the natural karmic chain of cause and effect. While I continue to navigate my health challenges, I remind myself to create more merit for others along the way.
On my 44th birthday, I have gained clarity about what I truly want in life. I desire a mindful and clear consciousness that enables me to listen to the Dharma, reflect upon it, and apply its teachings more deeply than ever before. I aspire to continue generating merit while this body is still capable of doing so.
I am committed to continuing my Birthday “Gift-Back” initiative. This movement encourages people to transform their “gifts” into charitable acts on their birthdays, promoting the idea of receiving less and giving more to those in greatest need.
[Click here to see my past Birthday Gift-Back projects.]
In this spirit, I invite you to join me not only in celebrating birthdays but also in honoring the profound truths of life. Together, we can embrace our journeys, share our experiences, and extend compassion to one another—recognizing that we are all imperfect beings traveling this path together.
As for birthday cake, a treat that I always promised myself each year, it now holds little value for me. Reflecting on my journey, I find solace in the thought that until my karma ceases, I seek to embrace peace in my existence.
When my karma no longer births new experiences, may I cease to exist. One day, there will be no more crying; the first cry will rest, and in its place, I will discover acceptance and joy in every moment of simply being.
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