Eating away my time, I build my purpose, watch runway shows and write

You may be wondering what "eats" away my daily existence. Let me paint you a picture: I’m on a gourmet journey with Fresubin milk, a meal replacement liquid that’s as exciting as it sounds (spoiler: it isn’t). Doctor’s orders, you see, to ensure food that can go through my PEG tube—yes, I’m now a card-carrying member of the Tube Feeding Club—delivers the minerals and proteins my body needs. The feeding process itself is easy enough, but the milk? Oh, the milk. It takes me 1–2 hours to sip 300ml (through the tube, of course), which means I spend at least six hours daily on this painstaking ritual.

And because I’ve been shedding weight faster than a melting ice sculpture before my surgery, I’ve added a fourth “meal” to the mix in a hopeful bid to bulk up. And because of the 6 -7 hours consumption daily for the 3 meals, this makes outings a logistical nightmare. Between meals and meds, I can't be away from the hotel for at least 2 -- 3 hours. Oh, and pouring water directly into my stomach? It’s like inflating a balloon—I need to do one cautious sip at a time.

58 Kilos and a (Not-So) Fashionable Revelation

Now let’s talk numbers: 58kg. That’s what the scale says. My sunken cheekbones are having their moment—only it’s not the kind of spotlight I wanted. I stare at my stick-thin body and feel...well, sick of looking sick. Not that I ever considered my appearance a crowning glory, but seeing your reflection and thinking, “Is that a character from Tim Buton's movie, Corpse Bride?” is a hard pill to swallow.

But then came a game-changer: a Dries Van Noten fashion show on YouTube. As I watched, it hit me—every model looked just like me. Sunken cheekbones, lean frames—they were strutting my look down the runway! Sure, it’s shallow, but it flipped my perspective. Maybe I’m not sickly; maybe I’m high fashion?

Buddha had a point when he said, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.” In this case, my perspective just got a fabulous makeover.

                                             

Workstations and Writing Aspirations

To salvage some sense of normalcy (and sanity), I’ve set up a workstation where I can tube-feed and write simultaneously. Multitasking for the win! The big goal? Finish my book, Carry Yourself Kindly Through Every Day: Navigating LGBTQIA+ Life with Buddhist Psychology. I’m determined to present it at the 10th ILGA Asia Regional Conference next month. This project keeps me grounded during recovery and fuels my purpose: to bring Buddhist psychology into the mainstream for the LGBTQIA+ community.

I’m also moonlighting as my sister’s writing sidekick, helping her develop mental wellness strategies for corporate settings. One brainchild from our collaboration? A free ebook called Wellness That Works at Every Desk: Revitalizing Workplaces and Enhancing Lives. It’s our way of inspiring workplaces to care for their people while also subtly generating leads for her company, Tongle.

If this piques your interest, you can download the ebook here. Trust me, it’s a far better read than this rambling diary of mine.

So here’s the takeaway: Even when life feels like an endless loop of feeding tubes, sulking at mirrors, and bloating experiments, find that sliver of joy. Build a purpose, watch runway shows, write books—or just laugh at how gloriously ridiculous it all is.